Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety.
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . .
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way !'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift,
And now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult,
Try being stupid .
No comments:
Post a Comment