The Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tailor Made Super Quad 460 golf
club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!

Japanese Hotel service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ......
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.



Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.



Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..........



which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't."

Proof reading is a dying art ... OR is it?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This appeared in the Tribune the other day and, on being challenged, it took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible. They put in a correction the next day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far.


-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos.
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial.
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
You can see where it might have that effect.
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Do ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge.
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating beans.
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again.
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety.
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . .
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way !'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift,
And now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult,
Try being stupid .