Signs of a STROKE

Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, the Tongue

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters.... S. T. R.

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) .she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening

Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this so please read on...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...TOTALLY. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR . Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.

T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(i.e. It is sunny out today.)

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', (if it goes to one side or the other), that is another indication of a stroke.

New Kiwi Research Offers Hope In Fight Against Prostate Cancer

New Kiwi research into current prostate cancer treatments could help save lives and ease the suffering of those with this disease.

Every year 3000 Kiwi men are diagnosed with prostate cancer and around 600 die. This makes prostate cancer the second largest cause of male cancer deaths in New Zealand, after smoking-associated cancers.

The Chief Executive of the Cancer Society, Dalton Kelly, says the research being carried out is crucial to improving survival rates and treatments of prostate cancer and has been made possible with funds from a charitable donation by Movember.

Movember is a month-long charity event that aims to raise awareness about men’s health issues.

Last year Kiwi’s raised more than $900,000 with the funds split between two New Zealand charities – the Cancer Society and the Mental Health Foundation for its “Out of the Blue” depression awareness campaign.

Movember funds are providing further financial support for an ongoing study into the use of hormone therapy to treat prostate cancer and financing another study on improving the health and well-being of men with prostate cancer through a programme of physical activity.

The Medical Advisor for the Cancer Society, Associate Professor Chris Atkinson, says prostate cancer is one of the most common cancers among males and many need to undergo androgen deprivation therapy (ADP) as part of their treatment.

“Locally advanced cases are more successfully treated by radiation and ADP rather than with just radiation treatment alone. The unfortunate down-side of the ADP hormone treatment is that it can cause side-effects,” he says.

Atkinson says patients undergoing ADP treatment for an extended period can develop osteoporosis.

The RADAR Prostate Cancer Trial is investigating how to prevent osteoporosis by studying the impact on bone density that varying lengths of ADP treatments have. Scientists will also determine if the incidence of osteoporosis can be reduced with the use of bone-hardening drugs (bisphosphonates).

The study is headed by Wellington School of Medicine and Health Sciences, Associate Professor David Lamb. Once completed, it is estimated 1060 men with prostate cancer will have participated in the clinical trial in New Zealand and Australia.

Atkinson says if the main hypothesis is confirmed, then around 1000 of the 4000 Australians and New Zealanders who present with localised prostate cancer each year will benefit greatly from the research.

“The results of the study, as they continue to be analysed, will alter how treatment for men with prostate cancer will be managed in the future. This is a hugely positive step for the treatment of prostate cancer,” he says.

The second study to be assisted with Movember funding looks at physical activity programmes as a way to improve the health and well-being of men with prostate cancer who are using ADP hormone therapy.

The year-long study at Auckland University of Technology (AUT) will investigate whether a programme of physical activity can enhance the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients undergoing this hormone treatment.

International studies have indicated that physical activity can reverse many of ADP’s negative side-effects but until now, not enough has been done to investigate how many patients regularly undertake physical activity.

If successful, the study headed by AUT University Senior Lecturers Dr Justin Keogh and Dr Daniel Shepherd, will be used to create a physical activity programme for patients that will aim to reduce, if not reverse, the impact that this drug treatment has on patient’s health and well-being.

“The implications of this study for prostate cancer patients undergoing ADP treatment are huge. Many patients struggle through a myriad of negative side-effects when fighting cancer and any progress in this area, which can help make them more comfortable during this difficult time, will be well-received”, says Atkinson.

Mr Kelly says the results of the AUT study are of great interest as the research is expected to be relevant to national health strategies including those of the Cancer Society of New Zealand and the Cancer Control Council.

Movember organiser Jim Slattery says New Zealand men and women should be extremely proud that the money they have raised will have such a profound impact on men’s health.

“The Movember Foundation is delighted the money donated to the Cancer Society has gone to such worthy projects and we look forward to raising even more this year in aid of charity.”

For more information, visit www.movember.co.nz.


About Movember

The Movember Foundation is a not for profit, charitable organisation that implements the Movember event each year. The Movember event creates awareness around men's health issues and raises funds for carefully selected beneficiary partners in each country that are also charitable organisations, with a focus on prostate cancer.

2008 figures
Number of participants: 13,000
Amount of money raised: $927,000

Trial 1: To improve the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients on androgen deprivation therapy by programmed physical activity.

Dr Justin Keogh and Dr Daniel Shepherd - AUT

Trial Summary

This study seeks to improve the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients (PCA) on androgen deprivation therapy (ADP). Prostate cancer is the most common cancer in males, with many patients undergoing ADT to slow disease progression, most often resulting in severe physical and quality-of-life adverse effects. International research indicates physical activity reverses many of these ADT side effects, but it is unclear how many of these patients regularly perform physical activity. Our aim in this study is to investigate the physical activity attributes of prostate cancer patients on ADT with age-matched non-sufferers to look at factors that influence physical activity in these populations and parameters relating to improving quality of life. This evidence base will inform the design, evaluation and practical implementation of effective physical activity programmes for PCa-ADT patients, with the aim to reduce, if not reverse, the drug treatment effects on the patients’ health and wellbeing

* A number of validated questionnaires of physical activity behaviour and intention and QoL will be completed by the subjects. Demographic and relevant medical data will also be obtained.

Physical activity behaviour will be quantified using the Leisure Score Index. Physical activity and intention and determinants will be assessed using TPB constructs on a 7-point Liket scale. Quality of Life will be assesses using the EORTC QLQ-C30 v.3.

Dr Justin Keogh - Biography
Qualifications: PhD, BHMS (Hons)
Senior Lecturer at AUT: Exercise Science Stream – Human Movement
Leadership positions:
Acting Head Postgraduate, SSR
Human Movement Stream Leader
Paper leader - Human Movement Studies, Advanced Human Movement Studies


Dr Daniel Shepherd - Biography
Qualifications: BA, BSc, MSc (1st class), PhD (Auck)
Senior Lecturer at AUT and Head of Post Graduate Studies, School of Public Health and Psychosocial Studies.
Dr Shepherd’s teaching areas of expertise include Psychometrics, Psychophysics and Psychophysiology. His areas of research include Quality of Life, Recovery Models in Mental Health, Noise annoyance and Schizophrenia

Trial 2: RADAR Prostate Cancer Trial - TROG Trial Renewal Grant
Associate Professor David Lamb

Trial Summary

As prostate cancers grow, they are more likely to spread outside the prostate, so cancers that are locally advanced at presentation often relapse when treated with radiotherapy only. Half of patients who relapse will subsequently die as a direct result of cancer progression. There is increasing evidence that addition of hormone treatment (androgen deprivation) to radiotherapy improves control rtes for more advanced prostate cancers. Control is a maximal with 3+ years of androgen deprivation, but such extended treatment often leads to loss of bone density (osteoporosis) and brittle bones that facture easily.

The RADAR trial is comparing the benefits of six and eighteen months of androgen deprivation. Also, the trial is addressing whether osteoporosis can be prevented with a bisphosphonate called zoledronic acid. This medication may assist in preventing the development of secondary bone tumours.

The new funding is required to enable to completion of patient recruitment, initial follow up and the pathological sub study. The latter part of the study is important for identifying patients who are most likely to benefit from the combined approach.

Associate Professor David Lamb - Biography
Qualifications: M.B. B.S (London)
Co-Chair of RADAR Trial
David is Head of the Radiation Service at the Wellington Cancer Centre. He has a strong background in clinical research, and was a founding member of the Trans-Tasman Radiation Oncology Group (TROG) in 1989.

He is the Principal Investigator for the RADAR Study where his responsibilities include:

- Recruitment and follow-up of patient in Wellington
- Supervision of the NZ RADAR coordinator position
- Reporting to the Regional Ethics Committee

As a member of the Trial Executive Committee, he is involved in the overall management of the study.

Movember Gala Partes

It’s time to celebrate the mo and the month of Movember bringing a new level of awareness to prostate cancer and men’s depression at the spectacular annual Gala Partes.



Mo Bros (dressed to suit their Mo) and Mo Sistas (dressed to suit their Mo Bro) come together for one night to show off their moustache growing efforts and compete for a number of title accolades – including Best Mo in Character, Miss Movember and, of course, Man of Movember 2009



The famous galas will be held in Christchurch, Wellington and Auckland. The first 100 people to the Auckland event get a free CC and dry so don’t miss out! For more information and to buy tickets visit http://nz.movember.com/events/gala-partes/



Christchurch Gala: Thursday 26 November, 6pm, Iconic Bar, 200 Manchester St, Christchurch

Wellington Gala: Friday 27 November, 6pm, Four Kings Bar, 7-11 Dixon St, Wellington

Auckland Gala: Saturday 28 November, 6pm, Northern Steamship Co, 122 Quay St, Auckland

Men & Drinks....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the wife asks her husband
"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are to women?"
The flattered husband laughed and said, "No, dear, they haven't."
The wife yells


"Then what the F*#k gave you THAT idea at the party?!!"

Thanks guys!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!!!!!!!!

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a pig on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Nigeria, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!!!!!!!! I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.   I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a pig on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.   I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Nigeria, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain fuel companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.   I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 44,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Savour The Taste of a Stress-Free Christmas

Christmas is the time when we celebrate the good things in life; friends, family and a blissful summer holiday after a truly hectic year.
But before we can carve the Christmas turkey and toast the season with a well-earned glass of bubbly – there’s the Christmas shopping to be done!
Last minute dashes in your office lunch hour, long queues, packed carparks, blistered feet and over-extended credit cards can often put a dampener on the festive season.
But now you can enjoy the taste of a truly stress-free Christmas with edibleblooms.co.nz.
The team at edibleblooms.co.nz create and deliver gorgeous bouquets that resemble flowers but are actually made up of tasty treats including only the finest chocolate on the market. These fabulous arrangements promise to provide a delicious experience and put a smile on the face of those lucky enough to receive one.
The perfect gift for your sister, boss or great-aunt Mary there’s an ediblebloom treat that will suit everyone’s taste and best of all they can be ordered online from your office or home.
The online store at edibleblooms.co.nz has a huge selection of bouquets starting from only $35 so you’ll be able to make the recipient feel indulged no matter how modest your budget.
This year break with tradition and send your loved ones the gorgeous Green Chocolate Christmas Tree.  A delectable alternative to the conventional Christmas tree, this bloom stands approximately 70cm high and is designed to wow.
With over 100 gourmet chocolates, the large Green Chocolate Christmas Tree is the perfect gift idea or tree substitute for people that love their house to remain pine-needle free and have a discerning palate when it comes to chocolate!
Celebrate the spirit of the season with the beautiful Christmas Bloom in traditional, festive colours. A delicious table centre or gift featuring 30 quality chocolates, this bouquet comes in a keepsake gold satin box and is sure to be a winner with adults and children alike.
Forget about socks or a boring summer shirt – when it comes to knowing what your man wants this Christmas edibleblooms.co.nz have done the thinking for you with the Corona Christmas Hamper.  This perfect, no-fuss gift for guys features an appealing combination of beer and chocolates in a keepsake stocking – a pressie he’s sure to savour!
Whether you're out to impress a corporate client or spoiling your sweetheart, the Luxury Moet Bloom is the ideal way to do it!  A bottle of luxurious Moet & Chandon takes centre stage amidst a red sea of Ferrero Rocher and Belgian milk chocolates.  Created for those who want to make the ultimate statement with their gift giving, the Luxury Moet Bloom is sure to delight.
After something a little bit simpler?  Then the Christmas Health, Wealth and Happiness gift could be the answer. This mouth-watering treat features heart and star shaped Belgium chocolates, gold chocolate coins and mint chocolate, all beautifully presented in a keepsake red pale.
Edibleblooms.co.nz also offers fresh fruit bouquets for a healthy yet decadent treat and nationwide delivery.
With such an amazing selection to choose from, edibleblooms.co.nz shows you how to spoil someone special without the stress this Christmas. All orders include a card and tasteful gift wrapping.

For more information visit www.edibleblooms.co.nz

For Everyone Who Has Ever Missed A Deadline

Grow a Mo for Charity this Movember!

Men get ready to grow your mo for Movember! The month-long charity event kicks off on November 1st when Mo Bros grow moustaches of every size, shape and colour to raise money and awareness for men's health.

Women can also show their support by becoming a Mo Sista and encouraging all the guys they know to take part.

You can register online now at www.movember.co.nz so make sure you sign up before Movember officially starts.

About Movember

Movember (the month formerly known as November) is an annual, month-long charity men’s health charity event that raises money for Cancer Society of New Zealand and the New Zealand Mental Health Foundation. At the start of Movember, guys register with a clean shaven face and have the remainder of the month to grow and groom their moustache, raising as much money and awareness as possible to benefit men’s health.

Movember culminates at the end of the month at official Gala Parties in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch - the highlight of any Mo Bro’s and Mo Sista’s social calendar. Borat look-a-likes will battle it out for their chance to be crowned the much coveted ‘Man of Movember’.

 

PEEK AT SOUTH AFRICAN RUGBY TROPHY CABINET

RUGBY WORLD CUP SEVENS TROPHY

THE SUPER 14 TROPHY

THE FREEDOM CUP TROPHY

ALL BLACKS VS SPRINGBOKS

THE NELSON MANDELA CHALLENGE PLATE

AUSRALIA VS SPRINGBOKS

THE BRITISH AND IRISH LIONS SERIES TROPHY

TRI-NATIONS TROPHY

THE WEB ELLIS CUP AKA WORLD CUP TROPHY


......THE HOLDER OF ALL OF THE ABOVE ..... SOUTH AFRICA ....

THERE IS ONLY ONE OTHER MAJOR TROPHY LEFT WHICH WE DON’T HAVE, AND THAT IS:

THE SIX NATIONS TROPHY 

THE REASON: WE DON’T PLAY IN THE SIX NATIONS!

 

 

The Vinyl Room Adds Designer Flare to Kiwi Homes

Kiwi homeowners can now liven up neutral décor and make a real statement without having to hire an interior designer or buy expensive artwork.

Adhesive vinyl wall graphics by New Zealand design company The Vinyl Room are proving to be a big hit with people who want to add their personal touch to a room without causing any long-term damage to walls or other surfaces.

The Vinyl Room’s extensive collection of unique designs are perfect for decorating entranceways, living rooms, office spaces, kitchens, bathrooms and children’s nurseries.

“It’s a really cost-effective way to decorate,” says Michaela James, founder and designer of The Vinyl Room. “Our best seller is the blossom wall graphic, which is my personal favourite, closely followed by the Kiwiana collection which includes the hugely popular Toi Toi and Flax designs.”

Custom designs are also available and great for Christmas presents, allowing people to turn their favourite painting, drawing, sketch or inspirational quote into an eye-catching piece of art.

James says the affordable New Zealand-made vinyl graphics are easily applied the same way a simple sticker is, and are suitable for surfaces such as walls, tiles, windows, ceilings, floors, metal and plastic surfaces.

“When you want to remove the sticker, all you have to do is use a hair-dryer to warm up and reactivate the glue – then carefully peel it away. It’s as simple as that,” she says.

Since establishing The Vinyl Room in March this year, James has noticed many interior decorators are also using her wall graphics as a tool to customize and complement the environments they design.

“There are up to 80 different colours each style can be printed in, so the customer or designer can choose which colour will best suit their interior. We are constantly creating new designs so there is something to suit everyone’s tastes and décor.”

The wall graphics are also ideal for people who are renting and want to add some personality to their living space without any great cost or inconvenience to their landlord.

“Renovating doesn’t need to be expensive or require a lot of time and we have collections of designs to make things easy,” James says. “For example, if you are decorating a bach we have lots of beach and coast-themed designs.”

For inspiration on how you can liven up your home, or ideas for easy Christmas presents visit www.thevinylroom.co.nz.

ABOUT MICHAELA JAMES
Michaela James has lived in the Bay of Plenty since 2001. She is a qualified graphic designer with a media arts degree, and a 30 year old mother of two. She also runs her own successful design company Design Juice, which she established in 2004.
Michaela’s father is a design and arts teacher and she and her sister have carried on the family tradition in arts as designers.

ABOUT THE VINYL ROOM
The wall graphics are vinyl stickers easily applied with a peel and stick motion – just like a simple sticker.
Custom printing of personal artwork and quotes onto vinyl stickers is also available.
All wall graphics are made to order and delivered within 5-7 working days nationwide.

The Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tailor Made Super Quad 460 golf
club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!

Japanese Hotel service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ......
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.



Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.



Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..........



which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't."

Proof reading is a dying art ... OR is it?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This appeared in the Tribune the other day and, on being challenged, it took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible. They put in a correction the next day.


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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really?


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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far.


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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos.
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial.
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War Dims Hope for Peace
You can see where it might have that effect.
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Do ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought?
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge.
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating beans.
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again.
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety.
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . .
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way !'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift,
And now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult,
Try being stupid .

Top 10 Reasons Print Should Remain a Vital Part of the Marketing Mix

In a recent blog on Foliomag.com the founder of Next Step Publishing, David Mammano, provides an interesting insight in sharing his top ten reasons why print should remain a vital part of the marketing mix.

He states:-

1. Print is a lead-generation tool. Used correctly, print drives leads to the prospective funnel. Good print vehicles have a mechanism to deliver targeted leads to their advertisers. So at the very least, print is a unique and effective lead-generation tool.

2. You can pass along print, and it has longevity. Magazines get shared in businesses, households and among friends.

3. Readers are receptive to print. Fact: People remember effective print ads. Magazine ads have the second highest receptivity of any media, second only to TV.

4. Print drives users to other platforms. The Retail Advertising and Marketing Association says 47.2 per cent of shoppers are most likely to start an online search after viewing a magazine ad. Our research shows more than 75 per cent of nextSTEPmag.com users type in the URL directly - which they likely found in the magazine.

5. Print sways trendsetters. Those who influence other consumers are themselves influenced by print. This influence ranking, from a third party driven Next Step poll, shows magazines in first place at 61 per cent with in-store and TV trailing at 58 and 55 per cent.

6. Print travels. A magazine is your companion wherever you go: your favourite chair, your bed, an airplane - even the bathroom.

7. Print readers are focused. In this world of multi-taskers (texting, emailing and listening to iPod while watching TV), it's hard for advertisers to get noticed. But according to a Ball State University survey, magazines are the exclusive or primary medium 85 per cent of the time they are used by consumers.

8. Print makes introductions. Print is a great part host; it introduces readers to a brand, and familiarises customers when it comes time for keyword purchases.

9. Print offers incredible branding. Nothing makes a brand more recognised than a glossy ad. A well designed ad engages readers, and according to a recent third party driven Next Step poll, 55 per cent of teens say they pay a lot of attention to print ads.

10. Print provides differentiation. How many of the millions of web sites have a print magazine to drive online traffic to it? The vast minority. Print provides a unique strategy to drive traffic to online marketing.

Mammano sees his company as more than one dealing in print. He sees his company as a brand having a website, an online community, an online newsletter, a social media presence and a magazine published five times per year.

Thinking about a fake sunbed tan? DON'T !!!

It’s mid winter and if you are thinking about going to a solarium for a tan – don’t!

This advice comes from the Cancer Society which believes the risks are too great, especially if you are under 35 or have fair skin! Solaria, or sunbeds, significantly increase your risk of melanoma, especially if you start using them in your teens or twenties.

Last week the German parliament passed a law banning anyone under the age of 18 from going to solariums because of the risks of developing skin cancer. In the same week the UK Committee on Medical Aspects of Radiation in the Environment advised governments to: ban sunbed use by those under 18, require all sunbed operators and staff to be licenced and issue strict regulations governing the standard of equipment. They also recommended that sunbeds should have to carry "cigarette-style" health warnings, given their potential to cause suffering, early death and potential disfigurement from skin cancer surgery.

Closer to home NSW recently joined the States of Victoria, South Australia, Western Australia and Queensland in banning people under 18 and those who burn easily from using commercial tanning facilities. Other controls include requirements to provide clients with accurate information about the health risks associated with sunbeds and greater supervision by operators.

Dr Judith Galtry, the Cancer Society’s Skin Cancer Advisor, says “these moves are part of an international trend towards prohibiting the use of sunbeds by young people and those who burn easily. We know these individuals are at greater risk. The World Health Organisation’s Agency for Research on Cancer determined a 75 percent increased risk of melanoma for people who first used a sunbed before the age of 35.

Australian evidence goes further suggesting that using a sunbed under the age of 35 increases the risk by 98 percent and that restricting sunbed use has a demonstrable impact in preventing avoidable skin cancers and in cost-savings to government.”

In New Zealand there is only a voluntary guideline standard for solaria operators which prohibits the use of sunbeds by individuals younger than 18 years and individuals with fair skin.

Dr Galtry says “it is of concern that the New Zealand government appears less concerned that its Australian and European counterparts, despite our far higher melanoma rates. Industry selfregulation is clearly not working in New Zealand, as shown by consumer surveys in 2005 and 2006. Therefore, the Cancer Society is strengthening its call for Government controls on the solaria industry in New Zealand through requiring premises to become licensed and prohibiting people under 18 years and those with fair skin from using them.”

Dermatologist Professor Marius Rademaker says “sunbed use adds to the burden of the skin cancer we see every day and directly contributes to premature ageing of the skin.”

About the Australian / New Zealand Solaria Standard AS/NZS 2635:2008
Solaria for cosmetic purposes provides a basis for setting up and operating artificial tanning equipment, particularly in commercial establishments with solaria facilities. The revised standard aims to provide operators and users of artificial tanning equipment with procedures for reducing the risk associated with indoor tanning. It sets out requirements for the operation of solaria including recommending:

• Solaria use is restricted to people over the age of 18
• People with skin that always burns and never tans be discouraged from using solaria
• All operations shall be supervised
• The person supervising a solaria shall have undertaken appropriate training in the operation
and use of equipment and assessment of skin photo types
• Solaria operators provide skin type assessment and consent forms to clients to complete
• Protective eyewear should always be worn
• No claims are made of non-cosmetic health benefits or that solaria use is safe
• Client records covering date, time of visit, skin type assessment and level of exposure shall
be kept for a minimum of two years.

True or false?

These two photos were apparently taken by one of the passengers in the aircraft, just after the collision and before the aircraft crashed. The photos were retrieved from the camera's memory stick. You will never get to see photos like this. In the second photo, there is a gaping hole in the fuselage through which you can see the tailplane and vertical fin of the aircraft. In the first photo, one of the passengers is being sucked out of the gaping hole.


The photos were apparently found in a digital Casio Z750, amidst the remains in Serra do Cachimbo. Although the camera was destroyed, the Memory Stick was recovered. Investigating the serial number of the camera, the owner was identified as Paulo G. Muller, an actor of a theatre for children known in the outskirts of Porto Alegre . It can be imagined that he was standing during the turbulence, he managed to take these photos, just seconds after the tail loss, the aircraft plunged. So the camera was found near the cockpit. The structural stress probably ripped the engines away, diminishing the falling speed, protecting the electronic equipment but not unfortunately the victims. Paulo Muller leaves behind two daughters, Bruna and Beatriz.

We're sorry ... (are we?)

This was a reply to an article, in the Mercury newspaper (last week), where the previously disadvantaged (Blacks) stated that it's not too late for the previously advantaged (including whites, Indians and Coloureds) to apologise for apartheid.


To the Previously Disadvantaged

We are sorry that our ancestors were intelligent, advanced and daring enough to explore the wild oceans to discover new countries and develop them.
We are sorry that those who came before us took you out of the bush and
taught you that there was more to life than beating drums, killing each
other and chasing animals with sticks and stones.

We are sorry that they planned, funded and developed roads, towns, mines, factories, airports and harbours, all of which you now claim to be your long deprived inheritance giving you every right to change and rename these at your discretion.

We are sorry that our parents taught us the value of small but strong families, to not breed like rabbits and end up as underfed, diseased, illiterate shack dwellers living in poverty.

We are sorry that when the evil apartheid government provided you with schools, you decided they'd look better without windows or in piles of ashes.

We happily gave up those bad days of getting spanked in our all white schools for doing something wrong and much prefer these days of freedom where problems can be resolved with knives and guns.

We are sorry that it is hard to shake off the bitterness of the past when you keep on raping, torturing and killing our friends and family members, and then hide behind the fence of 'human rights' with smiles on your faces.

We are sorry that we do not trust the government. We have no reason to be so suspicious because none of these poor hard working intellectuals have ever been involved in any form of corruption or 'irregularities'.

We are sorry that we do not trust the police force and, even though they have openly admitted that they have lost the war against crime and criminals we should not be negative and just ignore their corruption and carry on hoping for the best.

We are sorry that it is more important to you to have players of colour in our national teams than winning games and promoting patriotism. We know that sponsorship doesn't depend on a team's success.

We are sorry that our border posts have been flung open and now left you competing for jobs against illegal immigrants from our beautiful neighbouring countries. All of them countries that have grown into economic powerhouses after kicking out the 'settlers'.

We are sorry that we don't believe in witchcraft, beetroot and garlic cures, urinating on street corners, virginity testing, slaughtering of bulls in our back yards, trading women for cattle and other barbaric practices.

Maybe we just grew up differently.

We are sorry that your medical care, water supplies, roads, railways and
electricity supplies are going down the toilet because skilled people who could have planned for and resolved these issues had to be thrown away because they were of the wrong ethnic background and now have to work in foreign countries where their skills are more needed.

We are so sorry that we'd like this country to fulfil its potential so we can once again be proud South Africans.

'The Previously Advantaged'

Sick of lies and BS ....!

As a publisher, I pride myself on integrity ...

Integrity in which I publish, integrity in articles I personally write, integrity in my dealings with advertisers.

Today I had something relayed to me which horrified me. I was quoted distribution and readership figures of a magazine I know very well by a potential advertiser.

To say that the figures had been inflated beyond believe is an understatement!

I know for a fact that the magazine in question prints less than 6,000 copies every quarter. Yet, this publisher is out there telling potential advertisers that they have a readership of nearly half a million per issue ... read my lips .... read these words .. half a bloody million!!!

Rupert Murdoch ... eat your heart out!

What a crock of bull. To say that each magazine is read something like 83.33 times is akin to fantasy.

Yet, this particular publisher's advertising reps are sprouting this crap and it's being swallowed.

Then publishers like myself, who report honest to God figures, suffer ... I mean honestly, who'd want to advertise in my publications that have an average readership of only 12-15 per copy when they can get 83.33 with my competition???

So, now the big question is ... what to do about it?
This publisher is a member of the MPA ... do I complain to them?
Do I tell the advertisers in question what I know and how they're being conned?
Do I confront the publisher in question, who happens to be a personal friend?

mmmmm ... time to do some serious pondering, methinks, but something has to change!

Fighting crime in South Africa

A shop owner in Brakpan , South Africa , was tired of people breaking into his yard/shop, so he came up with the idea of shaving his dog like a lion.

Now he has no problem with thugs!

Crisis hits Australia - LOL

Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Kevin, it's the Health Minister here.Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week'!

PM: 'S....! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'

Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from Britain ?'

PM: 'No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!'

Health Minister: 'What about New Zealand ?'

PM: 'Ok, you call John Key - tell him we need ten million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the Wallabies!'

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.

He finds ten million condoms;10 inches long; 3 inches thick, all coloured black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with


MADE IN NEW ZEALAND
SIZE: Small

International Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
1.. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2.. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3.. After wrecking your boss' car.
4.. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
5.. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

1.. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
2.. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
3.. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics, Ever.