5 min management course

Lesson 1:
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 Moral of the story:
 If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 Lesson 2:
 A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 The priest nearly had an accident.

 After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
 The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 Lesson 3:
 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 They rub it and a Genie comes out.
 The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
 Puff! She's gone.

 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 Puff! He's gone.

 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
 The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4
 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
 The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5
 A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 Moral of the story: Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6
 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
 The dung was actually thawing him out!
 He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shouts on you is your enemy.

 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of trouble is your
 friend.

 (3) And when you're in deep trouble, it's best to keep
 your mouth shut!

 THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2010 HOROSCOPE

ARIES - The Aggressive
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny.. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an aries.  Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours.  Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world.
 
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships.  Likes to give a good fight.  Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention.  Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy.  One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
 
GEMINI - The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily.  They are great at losing things and are forgetful.  Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosey.  Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
 
CANCER - The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind.. Very romantic... Most caring person you will ever meet in your life.  Entirely creative Person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often.  Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party.  Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever.  Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous.  Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to!
 
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem.  Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun.. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing.  Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
 
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.. Caring.. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted.. Easy to please. A pushover.  Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything..  They think they know everything and usually do.  Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect.  They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only.
 
LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with...you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent.  Faithful friends to the end.  Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side.  Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative.  A hopeless romantic. 

SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once.  Loves to be pampered.  Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want..  Attractive.  Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme.  Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it!  Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.
 
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found.. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time.  Loses patience easily and will not take crap.  If in a bad mood stay FAR away.  Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever.  Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness.  Has many fears but will not show it.  VERY private person.  Defends loved ones with all their abilities.. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic.. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.
 
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some.  Lazy and love to take it easy.. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it.  Proud, understanding and sweet.  Irresistible.. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports.  Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.  Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
 
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard.  Will take on any project.  Proud of themselves in whatever they do..  Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators.  Great lovers, when they're not sleeping.  Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family.  Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story.  Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter but will Knock your lights out..
 
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind.. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized.  High appeal to opposite sex.  Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers.  Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily.  VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes gets the short end of the stick.  They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting.   Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.

African priest comic strip

Article on Haiti from The Sunday Standard ( Botswana ) of 24.01.10.

Loose Canon contributes regularly to newspapers.

Haiti and the blacks!
by Loose Canon
24.01.2010 4:23:39 P

I hope black people will learn a lesson from the earthquake that hit Haiti .
If they don’t learn anything from it, then I throw up my hands in despair and give up.

Let’s start with a few basic facts.
Until the earthquake, I never knew there was a place called Haiti . I was taught geography at school but I cannot remember a time when the mistress told us about Haiti . It must have been one of those insignificant countries that we had no reason to know about.

I was fairly good at geography because I knew which country was on which continent. I also knew many capital cities. But as for Haiti I was clueless.

Now the whole world, including myself, knows about Haiti . I heard news of the earthquake on the radio. I wondered where Haiti was and what sort of people lived there.

Finally, when I switched on the television, I was informed that Haiti is an island out in the Caribbean . Television pictures revealed a place populated by black people.

From the non-stop television coverage of the earthquake, I got to learn about the history of Haiti . It was not a good history lesson. It would seem throughout it’s existence Haiti has suffered a series of natural calamities. In the process it has sunk even deeper into poverty and deprivation.

Like all places populated by black people, Haiti is poor. As I watched the television images, I felt very sorry for that forsaken place. Then I was hit by a thunderbolt.
I wondered what if there were no white people. You see, when the earthquake hit Haiti somebody had to come to its assistance. There had to be a rescue effort. The Haitians who survived of course did their fair bit by digging out their families from the collapsed ramshackle buildings.

But such was the scale of the devastation and the loss of human life that a bigger effort was needed. For that sort of work, you need heavy lifting gear and other sophisticated rescue equipment. I have been following the story of the earthquake keenly. I can attest to the fact that the first people to arrive with sniffer dogs were white crews from all over the world.

The aeroplanes that set off carrying water and food were from white countries. Not only that, the teams of volunteer doctors that I saw on television comprised white people from across the world. As the sniffer dogs went into action, the organized rescue teams that carried the stretchers were made up of white people.

It was announced that a mobile hospital was on the way. It was coming from a white country. For all intents and purposes in the aftermath of the earthquake, Haiti was literally swarming with white people. They had all arrived to save the poor blacks. And the locals were so happy to see them. Granted there were teams from the Orient such as the Chinese and Japanese. They too had quickly left their homes and families to go and assist the stricken people of Haiti .
It is obvious to everyone that this was a devastating earthquake and the work to repair Haiti and return it to a modicum of normalcy will take many years. Somebody had to commit funds to this effort. Most of the countries that have committed funds to aid the recovery are white. In fact, it would seem the whites are running the show in Haiti .

What is my point?

My point is that ever since Haiti was hit by the earthquake I have not seen any of my folks from Africa . Unless the television cameras deliberately ignored them, I never saw a rescue team from my motherland. Nor did I see any sniffer dogs from down here.
Heck, I never saw a single traditional doctor busy divining where to find people buried under the rubble.

Haiti is a land of black people. I would have expected the place to be swarming with black people helping their own. They were nowhere to be seen. I never saw any ships from black countries pulling into the harbour.

As the air traffic circled above the small airport, none of the planes was reported as coming from Africa . The blacks were nowhere to be found. They issued tepid statements of condolence to the people of Haiti and a few of the African countries donated small amounts of cash.

Granted that was better than nothing. But I must say I was disappointed. I was sad because the blacks did not behave as I had expected. You see, for far too long black countries have been insolent to the point of being abusive. They have a tendency of insulting the white man and telling him to keep out of their countries. In Fact, black people have the temerity to tell white people they can perfectly survive on their own.
So I had expected the black countries to be consistent and behave true to form. Why didn’t black countries tell white countries to stay away from Haiti because we were quite capable of leading the rescue effort? We should have insulted them as we often do at international forums.

There, our countries insult white countries and accuse them of imperialism and neo colonialism. I was extremely disappointed when our countries failed to accuse white people of practicing imperialism and neo colonialism by coming to rescue the blacks of Haiti .

We should have told them we have better sniffer dogs that have been taught only to rescue black people. We should have told their ships to stay away and their planes not to overfly Haiti because we were up to the job with our own ships and aeroplanes.

We should have brought in our traditional food instead of the strange rations the Haitians are not accustomed to.

I am so disappointed by the black leaders that I hope never to hear them again bleating about how bad white people are. The earthquake in Haiti was the most opportune time to show the whites, once and for all, that we don’t need them.

From now onwards, I want black leaders to shut up and never accuse ever white people of being bad. I am sick and tired of big words such as imperialism and neo colonialism which are unable to rescue victims of the earthquake.

I hope this is not the last earthquake that hits a black country. I want the next one to specifically hit the residence of Old Man in Harare . Then we will see if he will abuse the white crew coming to rescue him and Pretty Face!

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to
speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*ck*ng goal keeper"