Thursday, February 26, 2009

Where would you be?

Multitasking - not for men!

Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for
the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The
Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (TheTimes)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
sent each week to do her garden. H e was repatriated at the end of 1945,
she recalled. ' He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when
the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out ' Heil Hitler.'' (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any. '

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street .. As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me. '

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (...pause). 'Oh
go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (...pause).
Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (...pause). 'This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up
your a**e sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Translation and Advertising

- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

- The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

- Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

- Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

- The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

- When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

Friday, February 20, 2009

Weather forecast


Apologies to Muslims, but I thought this rather cute ...

Holidays in Aussie - why I don't live there!

Da Blonde and Da Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Snorkelling in Canada


Alcohol may have been involved....

Making Your Own Rules

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors. But there's no way paper can beat rock.

Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?

Then why can't paper do this to scissors?

In fact, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of ruled paper constantly suffering students as they take notes in class?

I'll tell you why ... cause paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear it up in 2 seconds.

That's why when I play paper, scissors, rock, I always choose rock ... then when somebody claims to beat me with paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say ... "Sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"

A different way to look at the recession.

What's the capital of Iceland ? - About $ 3.50

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

You know it's a credit crunch when...

· The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.

· There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

· The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

· Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Jailer ... bring him on, I say!!!






TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF ( ARIZONA ) AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

These are some of the reasons why:

*Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the 'tent city jail' to save Arizona from spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

*He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

*He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but 'G' movies. He says: 'They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave.'

*He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money.

*Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

*He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel, he replied: 'So these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.'

*He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back.'

*He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

*With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees.

'This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,' said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. 'It's inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. 'Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.'

The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: 'It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!'

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

Poetry??

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
Empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

Legendary Ferrari ‘Pontoon-Fender’ Testa Rossa Expected To Break World Auction Record


RM Auctions, in association with Sotheby’s, announce the most significant and desirable Ferrari to be offered on the world’s auction stage – the legendary 1957 Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa (TR).

Expected to set a new world record* for a vintage motor car sold at auction, this exciting car will be offered at RM Auctions’ exclusive ‘Ferrari Leggenda e Passione’ event, May 17, 2009 in Maranello, Italy.

LONDON, England (February 5, 2009) – RM Auctions, in association with Sotheby’s, will present one of the most historically significant and valuable Ferrari racing cars ever offered at auction, the legendary 1957 Ferrari 250 TR (chassis no. 0714TR), when the famed Ferrari Leggenda e Passione event returns to Maranello, May 17, 2009. Held during the final stretch of the famous Mille Miglia retrospective, the exclusive annual event will offer an unprecedented collection of historic Ferraris for auction.

Considered one of the most alluring, competitive and iconic of all Ferrari racing cars, the beautiful and immediately recognizable Scaglietti-designed, ‘pontoon-fender’ 250 TR was produced from 1957 to 1958 during which only 22 were constructed. The Ferrari 250 TRs entered 19 international championship races from 1958 through 1961 emerging with 10 victories and earning them legendary status among discerning collectors, as well as the honor of being one of the most desirable and competitive racing Ferraris ever built.

“This legendary 250 TR is one of the most exciting motor cars ever to be presented in auction history,” said Max Girardo, Managing Director of RM Europe.

“The Ferrari Leggenda e Passione event, now in its third year, is firmly established as the place to sell important road and race going Ferraris, and we are delighted to present this stunning 250 TR at its Maranello birthplace,” he added.

0714TR was extensively campaigned in its day with significant finishes at the world’s most important racing events and is now being offered at auction for the first time. The car is resplendent in its period race-correct black livery and red nose.

In December 1957, this car was delivered to its first owner, racing driver and future coachbuilder, Piero Drogo in Modena, Italy. Drogo debuted the car as a privateer in the celebrated 1000 km Buenos Aires in January 1958 with a respectable fourth place finish competing with such legendary drivers as Phil Hill, Peter Collins, Wolfgang von Trips and Olivier Gendebien. Following entries in the Grand Prix of Cuba and Portugal, the car was sold by American Ferrari agent Luigi Chinetti to Texas rancher and entrepreneur Alan Connell whose competitive driving skills and affluence afforded him several wins on the 1959 North American racing circuit. 0714TR continued its prowess on the track with subsequent owners and competed in its last professional race in June 1963 at the Elkhart Lake 500.

The Ferrari 250 TR has become an enduring and exceedingly valuable classic whose soaring lines and sculptural elegance give it a sense of speed even when standing still. The legendary s/n 0714TR is by far the most campaigned of the 250 TR cliente series cars with a fascinating ownership and racing history, establishing its rarified place in the collector world as one of the most beautiful and valuable Ferraris ever offered in auction history.

For further information or to discuss consignment opportunities, please contact RM’s London Office on +44 (0) 20 7293 6336 or visit www.rmauctions.com . All cars presented at the Ferrari Leggenda e Passione event will be certified by Ferrari Classiche.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Summer Months Holding Up for New Zealand Tourism

Around the world, Governments are clamouring to find ways to rescue countries from harsh recessions not seen since the close of the Second World War.
The slowdown, which started in the US at the start of 2008, has now rolled around the world taking Britain and Japan with it. The resulting slow down in developed countries has now hit China’s export industry and demand for commodities from Australia has fallen dramatically.
For those in the New Zealand tourism industry, the roll-call of countries listed will be all too familiar. They make up the backbone of the tourism industry and make up the five biggest countries in terms of visitor arrivals.
But each market has its own dynamics and is moving at its own pace to deal with the financial crisis.

USA
Arrivals up 1% December
Total arrivals for the year down 1.7% to 212,410
The USA, the first into the recession and the centre of banking collapses, has been in recession for a year but during that time a new President has brought in a ray of hope. Billions of dollars have been poured into failing banks, the car industry and “shovel ready” projects – Government funding for infrastructure projects aimed at keeping unemployment down and the economy moving.
Tourism New Zealand’s chief executive George Hickton says the US is still in the midst of recession and concerns about job security are widespread. However, there are also people still working and looking to travel.
A weaker New Zealand dollar and discounted airfares are making New Zealand a more affordable place to visit for the first time in years.

UK and Germany
UK arrivals down 4.5% December
Total arrivals for the year down 2.6% to 285,094
Germany arrivals up 8.8%
Total arrivals for the year up 4.2% to 62,300

Japan
Arrivals down 14.4 % December
Total arrivals down 15.8% for the year to 102,482
Japan continues to disappoint and the economic situation there had deteriorated. Japan entered recession – two quarters of negative economic growth – in mid November and the country’s reliance on exports has lead to a serious slow down and job losses.

China
Arrivals up 1.8% December
Total arrivals down 7% for the year to 112,398
China’s economy has slowed from 13% in 2007 to 6.8% last year, but Shanghai, the centre of Tourism New Zealand’s campaign work, continues to show confidence.

Australia
Arrivals up 5.6% December
Total arrivals up 2.7% for the year to 976,200
Tourism New Zealand is looking to its closest market, Australia, to help weather the immediate storm and Mr Hickton says New Zealand is well-placed in Australia right now. The Australian dollar is weak against most major currencies, aside from those of New Zealand and Canada. There is plenty of air capacity and fares are low.

LOOKING AHEAD
Mr Hickton said the December arrivals figures – with total visitor arrivals up 1.6% for the month – had shown the year closed on a more positive note than anticipated.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Signature Yacht Steward/Stewardess Training Program 2009 - Antibes

Magnums Butlers is proud to announce its signature Luxury Yacht Steward/Stewardess program to be held for the first time in Antibes, France commencing 20 April 2009 - 27 April 2009.

Founded by Josephine Ive in 1987 Magnums Butlers offers the very best in professional butler service and extends this high quality, professional training service to yacht owners, employers and crew.

http://www.magnumsbutlers.com

In the final analysis

In the final analysis there is no solution to man’s
progress but the day’s honest work, the day’s honest
decisions, the day’s generous utterances and the day’s
good deed. – Clare Booth Luce

Waitangi Weekend Holiday Makers spending more this year

“New Zealand holiday makers are not letting the tougher economic times put them off enjoying their national holiday weekend,” says Matthew Mayne CEO of Jasons Travel Media.

A recent survey conducted by Jasons on more than a thousand people’s holiday plans for Waitangi Weekend; show that nearly half of people (45%) plan to spend more during this holiday weekend than they did for the same period last year. Only 12% of people believed they would spend less than last year.

“While the economic outlook for 2009 looks bleak, it’s heartening to see that Kiwis will spend more on domestic tourism over Waitangi weekend” Matthew says. “That’s good news for the accommodation industry, as well as for the New Zealand economy.” Kiwis traditionally travel domestically for Waitangi Weekend, and 79% percent of the survey respondents followed this trend.

Of those travelling, 55% were going to travel outside their region over the weekend, with Northland the number one destination. Interestingly, of those visiting Northland, only 2.56% were planning on visiting Waitangi during the weekend. Auckland was the second most popular Waitangi Weekend destination of choice for New Zealanders with the Bay of Plenty third.

The number one choice of accommodation was with family and friends. Motels were the first choice for paid accommodation with holiday parks second choice.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Honeymoon in Paradise and Receive a Tahitian Pearl Gift



Whisk your other half off to Tahiti for a romantic holiday and receive a stunning Tahitian black pearl pendant, compliments of Tahiti’s largest resort operator South Pacific Management.

The magnificent pendants are available to couples booking a honeymoon in any one of SPM’s 10 resorts before March 31, 2010*.

Found in Tahiti’s blue lagoons, the rare Tahitian black pearl symbolises beauty and eternity, making it the perfect reminder of an enchanting honeymoon in paradise.

In addition newlyweds will receive 15 per cent off their accommodation and a complimentary bottle of French Champagne (50cl).

With its picture-perfect surrounds, stunning overwater bungalows, swaying palm trees, pristine sandy beaches, bluer-than-blue lagoons and fiery sunsets, Tahiti provides the perfect setting for romance.

Tahiti and her 117 islands are spread across an area the size of Europe and offer a range of activities, from diving, cruising, surfing, safari tours and trekking to spa pampering, fine dining and relaxing in a tropical paradise.

South Pacific Management’s properties include such luxury resorts as Bora Bora Pearl Beach Resort, Le Taha’a Island Resort and Spa, and the new 121-room Manava Suite Resort Tahiti opening on the main island on March 1, 2009.

*South Pacific Management’s special honeymoon deal is valid for new bookings only, cannot be combined with other special offers, and is available for up to nine months following the official wedding date. A copy of the newlyweds’ wedding certificate is required upon registration and couples must quote booking code “SPMHNY” when making a reservation. This offer is available through any tour operator or travel agency.