BILL CONDON TO DIRECT SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT’S THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN

Summit Entertainment has confirmed that Academy Award® winner Bill Condon will direct THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, based on the fourth novel in author Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, is currently being written by Melissa Rosenberg, and will star Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Wyck Godfrey, Karen Rosenfelt, and Stephenie Meyer will produce the project.

"Bringing Stephenie Meyer's BREAKING DAWN to the screen requires a graceful and intelligent hand and we believe Bill Condon is exactly the right steward, having shown equal and abundant talents of immense creativity and subtle sensitivity,” said Erik Feig, President of Production and Acquisitions, for Summit Entertainment.

Added author Stephenie Meyer, "I'm so thrilled that Bill wants to work with us. I think he's going to be a great fit, and I'm excited to see what he does with the material."

“I'm very excited to get the chance to bring the climax of this saga to life on-screen. As fans of the series know, this is a one-of-a-kind book - and we're hoping to create an equally unique experience," said Bill Condon.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN illuminates the secrets and mysteries of this spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions.

Condon is well known for writing and directing DREAMGIRLS, KINSEY, and GODS AND MONSTERS, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay in 1999. He was nominated for a second Oscar for his screenplay for the movie musical CHICAGO in 2003. Most recently the multi-hyphenate directed the pilot episode for the Showtime series “The Big C” and produced the 81st Annual Academy Awards telecast, hosted by Hugh Jackman.

The third film in the franchise, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE is due in New Zealand theatres on July 1, 2010.

Rare Gecko Find At Maungatautari Ecological Island

Reptile experts throughout New Zealand are excited by the discovery of a dead rare Duvaucel gecko within the pest proof fence at the Waikato’s Maungatautari Ecological Island.

This threatened species has been presumed extinct on the mainland for close to a century so this find could lead to ecologists proving there are until-now undiscovered populations surviving outside of the few offshore islands where they are protected through isolation.

If follow-up surveys show there are other individual Duvaucel geckos nearby, that would indicate protection of area through pest-proof fencing is a way to ensure relict populations can regain a foothold again.

The Maungatautari Ecological Island is an internationally unique 3400 hectare forested pest-proof fenced mountain in the Waikato between Te Awamutu and Cambridge.

Maungatautari Trust ecologist Chris Smuts-Kennedy says the tall, dense, old-growth Maungatautari forest habitat, with many refuges, might have provided sufficient escape cover for the lizards to avoid extinction via rat predation.

“This is like a message from the mountain that what we’re doing is really starting to work. The removal of pests is allowing species that have been hunkered down on the edge of extinction for centuries to finally emerge again. It’s been like a war-time resistance movement, and now liberation has come and they can come out and celebrate in the street.”

Smuts-Kennedy identified the find as a Duvaucel’s gecko, or something very similar, and notified lizard experts straight away. They will now be involved in future investigations.

The Duvaucel is New Zealand’s largest living lizard species at 32cm long and weighing as much as a tui or myna.

Smuts-Kennedy says fossils indicate at one time Duvaucel geckos were widespread throughout both main islands of New Zealand but the species is now found only on a small number of protected offshore island sanctuaries.

“It is possible that this could represent a surviving relict population on the mountain. DNA work is needed to see if it does represent a distinct population from those known on protected islands and that it is indeed a Duvaucel’s gecko, and not a new species perhaps related to them. But we won’t know soon as this work is prolonged and expensive.”

The Maungatautari Ecological Island project is a community vision to remove all introduced mammalian pests and restore the forest to a diversity of plants and animals not seen in this life time.

This discovery has come on top of the most successful bird breeding season so far at the fenced ecological sanctuary. Six kiwi chicks were hatched with their weight gains considered exceptional, indicating kiwi food species are also increasing following the removal of pests. Introduced takahe, kaka, hihi (stitchbird), and popokatea (whitehead) have all bred on the mountain for the first time this year adding to the array of resident breeding birds already there.

Smuts-Kennedy says the rebuilding of the native wildlife community has only just begun.

“Over the next few years we’ll be reintroducing many more bird, reptile and invertebrate species, and perhaps a second bat species.

“It’s a wonderful surprise when a species that’s on our provisional reintroductions ‘shopping list’ like Duvaucel’s gecko, actually pops up to tell us it’s perhaps already here.

Breaking News…….Now Blackcurrants help in battle against asthma

A preliminary study by New Zealand’s Plant & Food Research shows natural chemicals from blackcurrants may reduce lung inflammation with a multi-action assault on allergy-induced asthma.

With winter approaching, Barker’s Blackcurrant Syrup is a great way to boost your family’s health. Barker’s of Geraldine squeeze over 700 Canterbury blackcurrants into every bottle, making it one of the richest sources of antioxidants, including vitamin C and polyphenols. Blackcurrants contain over four times the vitamin C of an orange.

Barker’s also makes a great ‘no added sugar’ berry syrup called Berrylife – perfect for children or those wanting a reduced sugar alternative.

Still based on a corner of the family farm, Barker’s has a wonderful Kiwi heritage and a sensational range of fruit syrups - created by the Barker family for your family.

Breakfast - On the run? So easy - just blend yoghurt, milk, oats and honey to Barker’s blackcurrant syrup to make a wholesome smoothie.
Dinner - Your toddler won’t eat dinner? Add a dash of Barker’s ‘no added sugar’ Berrylife to a night-time bottle to help give them the nutrients they need.
Anytime - Try Barker’s Fruit Tea Warmer recipe – a healthy alternative to caffeine

Barker’s Syrups are available in a tempting range of flavours. Every bottle, when diluted with water, makes up to 5 litres of refreshing drink. Available at your local supermarket from RRP $5.99.

Barkers

Unbelievable Autumn Package Believable

Crowne Plaza Queenstown has teamed up with Milford Sound operator Mitre Peak Cruises to offer visitors an unforgettable experience at an unbeatable price this autumn.

The ‘Unbelievable Milford Sound’ Package is available at a truly unbelievable price - accommodation with breakfast at Crowne Plaza Queenstown (for up to two people with a minimum two night stay) and two coach-cruise-coach tickets aboard Mitre Peak Cruises, all from just $289.

Crowne Plaza Queenstown’s resident Clefs d’Ors Leisure Concierge, Nathan Wise, has put together the package thanks to his knowledge of Queenstown tourism operators and the services they offer.

“We are always looking for ways to offer our guests the very best Queenstown experiences, and enjoy working with local tourism operators to do this. In developing this package with Mitre Peak Cruises, we wanted to stimulate interest and bookings over the autumn period and create a package that people just wouldn’t be able to say no to,” said Mr Wise.

“Crowne Plaza Queenstown is 4+ star resort, it’s contemporary and stylish and in an outstanding in-town location. The views are spectacular views over Lake Wakatipu and will provide a dramatic setting for an unbelievable weekend.”

Mr Wise says the Mitre Peak Cruises’ Milford Sound trip is intimate and personal.

“Mitre Peak Cruises leads the way in small scenic cruises with limited numbers, giving passengers an ‘up close and personal’ Milford Sound experience, unhurried, un-crowded and relaxed.”

This truly authentic New Zealand experience is valid from Monday 19th April 2010 to 30th June 2010. It is subject to availability and conditions apply.

For more information or to book contact Crowne Plaza Queenstown on +64 3 441 0095 or freephone within New Zealand on 0800 801 111 or visit www.crowneplazaqueenstown.co.nz

Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon observed, 'You're all wrong. ANC Youth League Politicians (AKA Julius Malema) are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Darwin's are out!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Visa to roll out chip and PIN technology for New Zealand

Signatures will be phased out as part of a seven-point strategy to crackdown on card fraud

 

Visa has announced it will move to chip and PIN technology for all New Zealand Visa cards over the next four years, with signatures no longer accepted at the checkout from 2012, as part of a wide-ranging agenda to cut card fraud.

Visa’s Country Manager for New Zealand, Sean Preston, said Visa was working with financial institutions and retailers to upgrade more than 2.6 million Visa cards in New Zealand[1] and thousands of merchant point of sale terminals and ATMs to chip and PIN technology.

“From April 2010, all new Visa credit cards issued in New Zealand will feature secure embedded smart chips to give New Zealanders a higher level of confidence in the security of their transactions,” Mr Preston said. “This will be followed by the upgrade of Visa debit and reloadable prepaid cards from April 2012,” he added.

“Chip technology will also offer banks and merchants the ability to provide their customers with benefits such as faster transactions, innovations such as contactless payments and the opportunity to store information such as reward programs on their cards.”

Mr Preston said the move to chip and PIN was part of a comprehensive seven-point security agenda that also includes initiatives to enhance the security of online transactions.  Cardholders will be enabled to use a Verified by Visa password when shopping over the internet.  Online retailers will be required to capture the three-digit cardholder verification number when processing transactions, while small and medium sized businesses will be required to enhance their levels of data security.

“These initiatives are part of a comprehensive security upgrade aimed at providing cardholders with a higher level of confidence and significantly reducing all types of card fraud including counterfeit, skimming and online fraud,” Mr Preston said.

“While card fraud in remains low by world standards, overseas criminals are becoming increasingly active in seeking out new arenas. The time is right to take advantage of the new technologies available to work across the industry, with banks and merchants, to strengthen security across the board. However, non-New Zealand issued magnetic stripe cards will continue to be accepted with signatures as will overseas chip cards without PINs,” Mr Preston said.

Visa has been consulting with financial institutions and merchants to agree on the following actions and timelines:

·         Moving to 100 percent chip card issuance.  By 1 April 2010, banks and other financial institutions must issue all new Visa credit cards on chip; by 1 April 2012 all new Visa debit and reloadable prepaid cards must be on chip; and by 1 April 2014, 100 percent of all Visa cards must be on chip. 

·         Ensuring all merchant acceptance terminals must be chip capable and activated by 1 July 2011.

·         Ensuring all new Automated Teller Machines (ATMs) commissioned must be chip capable by 1 April 2011. 

·         Introducing a broad rollout of PIN (Personal Identification Number) verification for all domestic transactions, with signatures no longer accepted from 1 April 2012.

·         Issuers must enrol all Visa cards for Verified by Visa, a free service for cardholders that provides a password for secure online shopping, by 1 April 2012.

·         All merchants who take online, telephone and mail order transactions must check the three-digit card verification code (known as CVV2) from 1 April 2012.

·         Small and medium sized (Level 4) merchants will be required to implement higher levels of data security.  Acquiring banks will be required to provide Visa with a program for their merchants to comply with the Payment Card Industry Data Security Standard (PCI DSS) by 30 April 2010 that includes a strategy for risk profiling, merchant education and compliance reporting twice per year.

Currently about four percent of Visa cards issued in New Zealand are chip-enabled[2].  Chip cards used with PINs have proven to be effective in reducing counterfeit card fraud overseas. The UK introduced compulsory chip and PIN in 2006, resulting in fraud losses at UK retailers falling by 35 percent between 2005 and 2008[3].  In Malaysia, chip technology was mandated in 2005 and resulted in domestic counterfeit fraud on Malaysian-issued Visa cards being virtually eliminated within 12 months[4].

Mr Preston said that recent fraud trends have highlighted Card Not Present (CNP) fraud as an area of concern.  “Initiatives such as CVV2 and Verified by Visa will focus on online security and empower cardholders to play a more active role in protecting their information.”

In addition to its multiple layers of security, Visa offers purchase protection across all of its credit, debit and prepaid cards issued in New Zealand under its Zero Liability policy. Under this policy, Visa cardholders are not held liable for unauthorised transactions whether they are conducted online, in person or over the phone[5].

Assessing Ad Impact: Magazines a Most Cost Effective Medium

Dynamic Logic, a company specialising in advertising accountability research, recently updated their database of client-commissioned CrossMedia Research accountability studies. The new aggregation, which contains 39 studies, continues their work on how television, magazine and online advertising combine to impact the attitudes and intended behavior of consumers as they go through five identified stages of the buying process, i.e., the purchase funnel.

In an article posted by the Magazine Publishers of America showed for the first time, Dynamic Logic went beyond analysing advertising effects for these three media and looked at the cost of generating results for each medium individually as well as in combination with others, expressed as return on investment (ROI). Looking at consumers reached by each medium they found:

• Overall, magazine advertising drove consumer attitudes and intended behavior more effectively and efficiently than viewing television advertising alone or, TV in combination with online advertising.

• Across the 39 studies, adding magazines to TV and online had the greatest impact on consumer attitudes and intended behavior in three out of five stages: aided brand awareness at the top of the purchase funnel, and brand favorability and purchase consideration/intent at the key conversion and action stages at the bottom of the funnel. For ad awareness, magazines and TV virtually tied in their contribution.

- For the consumer packaged goods category (17 studies), magazines when added to TV and online were also the largest contributor in three out of five stages: ad awareness, brand favorability and purchase consideration/intent.

- For the non-packaged goods category (22 studies), as with overall results, magazines when added to TV and online were the largest contributor for aided brand awareness, brand favorability, and purchase consideration/intent.

• Magazines were the most cost effective medium throughout the purchase funnel, looking at two related measures of ROI-cost per person and people impacted per dollar spent-from ten CrossMedia Research studies for which ROI was available:

- Based on cost per person, magazines were the most efficient medium in three out of five stages of the purchase funnel. The combination of magazines and online was most efficient for the remaining two stages

- Based on people impacted per dollar spent, magazines were the most efficient medium in four out of five stages of the purchase funnel. TV + magazines + online was most efficient for the one remaining stage.

A New Breed of Publisher Emerges

Independent Magazine Publisher's editor, Jon Barrett, stated:

"Publishing Expo offered the opportunity to delve deep into the heart of the magazine publishing community and explore the current and future plans of decision makers.

"Firstly, many publishers have surfaced from the downturn in good shape thanks to their focus on efficient, well managed publishing processes. These companies are capitalising on this strength to take market share from weakened competitors or replicate their successful publishing model in new sectors.

"Secondly, we spoke to a new group of young, entrepreneurial publishing professionals who, in a more buoyant market, would have likely been lured into a different industry. The downturn has driven them to explore different opportunities and they are oozing with the energy, enthusiasm and willingness to direct their education and passion to a magazine launch.

5 min management course

Lesson 1:
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 Moral of the story:
 If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 Lesson 2:
 A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 The priest nearly had an accident.

 After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
 The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 Lesson 3:
 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 They rub it and a Genie comes out.
 The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
 Puff! She's gone.

 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 Puff! He's gone.

 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
 The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4
 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
 The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5
 A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 Moral of the story: Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6
 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
 The dung was actually thawing him out!
 He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shouts on you is your enemy.

 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of trouble is your
 friend.

 (3) And when you're in deep trouble, it's best to keep
 your mouth shut!

 THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2010 HOROSCOPE

ARIES - The Aggressive
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny.. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an aries.  Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours.  Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world.
 
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships.  Likes to give a good fight.  Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention.  Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy.  One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
 
GEMINI - The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily.  They are great at losing things and are forgetful.  Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosey.  Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
 
CANCER - The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind.. Very romantic... Most caring person you will ever meet in your life.  Entirely creative Person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often.  Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party.  Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever.  Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous.  Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to!
 
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem.  Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun.. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing.  Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
 
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.. Caring.. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted.. Easy to please. A pushover.  Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything..  They think they know everything and usually do.  Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect.  They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only.
 
LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with...you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent.  Faithful friends to the end.  Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side.  Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative.  A hopeless romantic. 

SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once.  Loves to be pampered.  Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want..  Attractive.  Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme.  Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it!  Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.
 
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found.. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time.  Loses patience easily and will not take crap.  If in a bad mood stay FAR away.  Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever.  Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness.  Has many fears but will not show it.  VERY private person.  Defends loved ones with all their abilities.. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic.. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.
 
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some.  Lazy and love to take it easy.. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it.  Proud, understanding and sweet.  Irresistible.. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports.  Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.  Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
 
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard.  Will take on any project.  Proud of themselves in whatever they do..  Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators.  Great lovers, when they're not sleeping.  Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family.  Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story.  Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter but will Knock your lights out..
 
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind.. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized.  High appeal to opposite sex.  Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers.  Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily.  VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes gets the short end of the stick.  They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting.   Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.

African priest comic strip

Article on Haiti from The Sunday Standard ( Botswana ) of 24.01.10.

Loose Canon contributes regularly to newspapers.

Haiti and the blacks!
by Loose Canon
24.01.2010 4:23:39 P

I hope black people will learn a lesson from the earthquake that hit Haiti .
If they don’t learn anything from it, then I throw up my hands in despair and give up.

Let’s start with a few basic facts.
Until the earthquake, I never knew there was a place called Haiti . I was taught geography at school but I cannot remember a time when the mistress told us about Haiti . It must have been one of those insignificant countries that we had no reason to know about.

I was fairly good at geography because I knew which country was on which continent. I also knew many capital cities. But as for Haiti I was clueless.

Now the whole world, including myself, knows about Haiti . I heard news of the earthquake on the radio. I wondered where Haiti was and what sort of people lived there.

Finally, when I switched on the television, I was informed that Haiti is an island out in the Caribbean . Television pictures revealed a place populated by black people.

From the non-stop television coverage of the earthquake, I got to learn about the history of Haiti . It was not a good history lesson. It would seem throughout it’s existence Haiti has suffered a series of natural calamities. In the process it has sunk even deeper into poverty and deprivation.

Like all places populated by black people, Haiti is poor. As I watched the television images, I felt very sorry for that forsaken place. Then I was hit by a thunderbolt.
I wondered what if there were no white people. You see, when the earthquake hit Haiti somebody had to come to its assistance. There had to be a rescue effort. The Haitians who survived of course did their fair bit by digging out their families from the collapsed ramshackle buildings.

But such was the scale of the devastation and the loss of human life that a bigger effort was needed. For that sort of work, you need heavy lifting gear and other sophisticated rescue equipment. I have been following the story of the earthquake keenly. I can attest to the fact that the first people to arrive with sniffer dogs were white crews from all over the world.

The aeroplanes that set off carrying water and food were from white countries. Not only that, the teams of volunteer doctors that I saw on television comprised white people from across the world. As the sniffer dogs went into action, the organized rescue teams that carried the stretchers were made up of white people.

It was announced that a mobile hospital was on the way. It was coming from a white country. For all intents and purposes in the aftermath of the earthquake, Haiti was literally swarming with white people. They had all arrived to save the poor blacks. And the locals were so happy to see them. Granted there were teams from the Orient such as the Chinese and Japanese. They too had quickly left their homes and families to go and assist the stricken people of Haiti .
It is obvious to everyone that this was a devastating earthquake and the work to repair Haiti and return it to a modicum of normalcy will take many years. Somebody had to commit funds to this effort. Most of the countries that have committed funds to aid the recovery are white. In fact, it would seem the whites are running the show in Haiti .

What is my point?

My point is that ever since Haiti was hit by the earthquake I have not seen any of my folks from Africa . Unless the television cameras deliberately ignored them, I never saw a rescue team from my motherland. Nor did I see any sniffer dogs from down here.
Heck, I never saw a single traditional doctor busy divining where to find people buried under the rubble.

Haiti is a land of black people. I would have expected the place to be swarming with black people helping their own. They were nowhere to be seen. I never saw any ships from black countries pulling into the harbour.

As the air traffic circled above the small airport, none of the planes was reported as coming from Africa . The blacks were nowhere to be found. They issued tepid statements of condolence to the people of Haiti and a few of the African countries donated small amounts of cash.

Granted that was better than nothing. But I must say I was disappointed. I was sad because the blacks did not behave as I had expected. You see, for far too long black countries have been insolent to the point of being abusive. They have a tendency of insulting the white man and telling him to keep out of their countries. In Fact, black people have the temerity to tell white people they can perfectly survive on their own.
So I had expected the black countries to be consistent and behave true to form. Why didn’t black countries tell white countries to stay away from Haiti because we were quite capable of leading the rescue effort? We should have insulted them as we often do at international forums.

There, our countries insult white countries and accuse them of imperialism and neo colonialism. I was extremely disappointed when our countries failed to accuse white people of practicing imperialism and neo colonialism by coming to rescue the blacks of Haiti .

We should have told them we have better sniffer dogs that have been taught only to rescue black people. We should have told their ships to stay away and their planes not to overfly Haiti because we were up to the job with our own ships and aeroplanes.

We should have brought in our traditional food instead of the strange rations the Haitians are not accustomed to.

I am so disappointed by the black leaders that I hope never to hear them again bleating about how bad white people are. The earthquake in Haiti was the most opportune time to show the whites, once and for all, that we don’t need them.

From now onwards, I want black leaders to shut up and never accuse ever white people of being bad. I am sick and tired of big words such as imperialism and neo colonialism which are unable to rescue victims of the earthquake.

I hope this is not the last earthquake that hits a black country. I want the next one to specifically hit the residence of Old Man in Harare . Then we will see if he will abuse the white crew coming to rescue him and Pretty Face!

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to
speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*ck*ng goal keeper"

Signs of a STROKE

Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, the Tongue

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters.... S. T. R.

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) .she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening

Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this so please read on...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...TOTALLY. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR . Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.

T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(i.e. It is sunny out today.)

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', (if it goes to one side or the other), that is another indication of a stroke.

New Kiwi Research Offers Hope In Fight Against Prostate Cancer

New Kiwi research into current prostate cancer treatments could help save lives and ease the suffering of those with this disease.

Every year 3000 Kiwi men are diagnosed with prostate cancer and around 600 die. This makes prostate cancer the second largest cause of male cancer deaths in New Zealand, after smoking-associated cancers.

The Chief Executive of the Cancer Society, Dalton Kelly, says the research being carried out is crucial to improving survival rates and treatments of prostate cancer and has been made possible with funds from a charitable donation by Movember.

Movember is a month-long charity event that aims to raise awareness about men’s health issues.

Last year Kiwi’s raised more than $900,000 with the funds split between two New Zealand charities – the Cancer Society and the Mental Health Foundation for its “Out of the Blue” depression awareness campaign.

Movember funds are providing further financial support for an ongoing study into the use of hormone therapy to treat prostate cancer and financing another study on improving the health and well-being of men with prostate cancer through a programme of physical activity.

The Medical Advisor for the Cancer Society, Associate Professor Chris Atkinson, says prostate cancer is one of the most common cancers among males and many need to undergo androgen deprivation therapy (ADP) as part of their treatment.

“Locally advanced cases are more successfully treated by radiation and ADP rather than with just radiation treatment alone. The unfortunate down-side of the ADP hormone treatment is that it can cause side-effects,” he says.

Atkinson says patients undergoing ADP treatment for an extended period can develop osteoporosis.

The RADAR Prostate Cancer Trial is investigating how to prevent osteoporosis by studying the impact on bone density that varying lengths of ADP treatments have. Scientists will also determine if the incidence of osteoporosis can be reduced with the use of bone-hardening drugs (bisphosphonates).

The study is headed by Wellington School of Medicine and Health Sciences, Associate Professor David Lamb. Once completed, it is estimated 1060 men with prostate cancer will have participated in the clinical trial in New Zealand and Australia.

Atkinson says if the main hypothesis is confirmed, then around 1000 of the 4000 Australians and New Zealanders who present with localised prostate cancer each year will benefit greatly from the research.

“The results of the study, as they continue to be analysed, will alter how treatment for men with prostate cancer will be managed in the future. This is a hugely positive step for the treatment of prostate cancer,” he says.

The second study to be assisted with Movember funding looks at physical activity programmes as a way to improve the health and well-being of men with prostate cancer who are using ADP hormone therapy.

The year-long study at Auckland University of Technology (AUT) will investigate whether a programme of physical activity can enhance the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients undergoing this hormone treatment.

International studies have indicated that physical activity can reverse many of ADP’s negative side-effects but until now, not enough has been done to investigate how many patients regularly undertake physical activity.

If successful, the study headed by AUT University Senior Lecturers Dr Justin Keogh and Dr Daniel Shepherd, will be used to create a physical activity programme for patients that will aim to reduce, if not reverse, the impact that this drug treatment has on patient’s health and well-being.

“The implications of this study for prostate cancer patients undergoing ADP treatment are huge. Many patients struggle through a myriad of negative side-effects when fighting cancer and any progress in this area, which can help make them more comfortable during this difficult time, will be well-received”, says Atkinson.

Mr Kelly says the results of the AUT study are of great interest as the research is expected to be relevant to national health strategies including those of the Cancer Society of New Zealand and the Cancer Control Council.

Movember organiser Jim Slattery says New Zealand men and women should be extremely proud that the money they have raised will have such a profound impact on men’s health.

“The Movember Foundation is delighted the money donated to the Cancer Society has gone to such worthy projects and we look forward to raising even more this year in aid of charity.”

For more information, visit www.movember.co.nz.


About Movember

The Movember Foundation is a not for profit, charitable organisation that implements the Movember event each year. The Movember event creates awareness around men's health issues and raises funds for carefully selected beneficiary partners in each country that are also charitable organisations, with a focus on prostate cancer.

2008 figures
Number of participants: 13,000
Amount of money raised: $927,000

Trial 1: To improve the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients on androgen deprivation therapy by programmed physical activity.

Dr Justin Keogh and Dr Daniel Shepherd - AUT

Trial Summary

This study seeks to improve the health and quality of life of prostate cancer patients (PCA) on androgen deprivation therapy (ADP). Prostate cancer is the most common cancer in males, with many patients undergoing ADT to slow disease progression, most often resulting in severe physical and quality-of-life adverse effects. International research indicates physical activity reverses many of these ADT side effects, but it is unclear how many of these patients regularly perform physical activity. Our aim in this study is to investigate the physical activity attributes of prostate cancer patients on ADT with age-matched non-sufferers to look at factors that influence physical activity in these populations and parameters relating to improving quality of life. This evidence base will inform the design, evaluation and practical implementation of effective physical activity programmes for PCa-ADT patients, with the aim to reduce, if not reverse, the drug treatment effects on the patients’ health and wellbeing

* A number of validated questionnaires of physical activity behaviour and intention and QoL will be completed by the subjects. Demographic and relevant medical data will also be obtained.

Physical activity behaviour will be quantified using the Leisure Score Index. Physical activity and intention and determinants will be assessed using TPB constructs on a 7-point Liket scale. Quality of Life will be assesses using the EORTC QLQ-C30 v.3.

Dr Justin Keogh - Biography
Qualifications: PhD, BHMS (Hons)
Senior Lecturer at AUT: Exercise Science Stream – Human Movement
Leadership positions:
Acting Head Postgraduate, SSR
Human Movement Stream Leader
Paper leader - Human Movement Studies, Advanced Human Movement Studies


Dr Daniel Shepherd - Biography
Qualifications: BA, BSc, MSc (1st class), PhD (Auck)
Senior Lecturer at AUT and Head of Post Graduate Studies, School of Public Health and Psychosocial Studies.
Dr Shepherd’s teaching areas of expertise include Psychometrics, Psychophysics and Psychophysiology. His areas of research include Quality of Life, Recovery Models in Mental Health, Noise annoyance and Schizophrenia

Trial 2: RADAR Prostate Cancer Trial - TROG Trial Renewal Grant
Associate Professor David Lamb

Trial Summary

As prostate cancers grow, they are more likely to spread outside the prostate, so cancers that are locally advanced at presentation often relapse when treated with radiotherapy only. Half of patients who relapse will subsequently die as a direct result of cancer progression. There is increasing evidence that addition of hormone treatment (androgen deprivation) to radiotherapy improves control rtes for more advanced prostate cancers. Control is a maximal with 3+ years of androgen deprivation, but such extended treatment often leads to loss of bone density (osteoporosis) and brittle bones that facture easily.

The RADAR trial is comparing the benefits of six and eighteen months of androgen deprivation. Also, the trial is addressing whether osteoporosis can be prevented with a bisphosphonate called zoledronic acid. This medication may assist in preventing the development of secondary bone tumours.

The new funding is required to enable to completion of patient recruitment, initial follow up and the pathological sub study. The latter part of the study is important for identifying patients who are most likely to benefit from the combined approach.

Associate Professor David Lamb - Biography
Qualifications: M.B. B.S (London)
Co-Chair of RADAR Trial
David is Head of the Radiation Service at the Wellington Cancer Centre. He has a strong background in clinical research, and was a founding member of the Trans-Tasman Radiation Oncology Group (TROG) in 1989.

He is the Principal Investigator for the RADAR Study where his responsibilities include:

- Recruitment and follow-up of patient in Wellington
- Supervision of the NZ RADAR coordinator position
- Reporting to the Regional Ethics Committee

As a member of the Trial Executive Committee, he is involved in the overall management of the study.

Movember Gala Partes

It’s time to celebrate the mo and the month of Movember bringing a new level of awareness to prostate cancer and men’s depression at the spectacular annual Gala Partes.



Mo Bros (dressed to suit their Mo) and Mo Sistas (dressed to suit their Mo Bro) come together for one night to show off their moustache growing efforts and compete for a number of title accolades – including Best Mo in Character, Miss Movember and, of course, Man of Movember 2009



The famous galas will be held in Christchurch, Wellington and Auckland. The first 100 people to the Auckland event get a free CC and dry so don’t miss out! For more information and to buy tickets visit http://nz.movember.com/events/gala-partes/



Christchurch Gala: Thursday 26 November, 6pm, Iconic Bar, 200 Manchester St, Christchurch

Wellington Gala: Friday 27 November, 6pm, Four Kings Bar, 7-11 Dixon St, Wellington

Auckland Gala: Saturday 28 November, 6pm, Northern Steamship Co, 122 Quay St, Auckland

Men & Drinks....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the wife asks her husband
"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are to women?"
The flattered husband laughed and said, "No, dear, they haven't."
The wife yells


"Then what the F*#k gave you THAT idea at the party?!!"

Thanks guys!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!!!!!!!!

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a pig on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Nigeria, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!!!!!!!! I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.   I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a pig on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.   I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Nigeria, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain fuel companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.   I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 44,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .